An hour in the life of Aaakash Gupta (All of 3.5 years)
© 2010 Manoj Chennamangalam
Disclaimer : Any resemblance to anyone is purely coincidental
-- Sunday morning on a cold winter day
ACT 1
The wake up drill
Aaakash (first 2 'A's for conquering the world numerologically and third as triple insurance to be first in the attendance roster) is sleeping blissfully on his double bed with his nappies on (the quilt is imported and cannot be risked for the one in a million statistical risk of him peeing in his sleep)
Maid servant/ child governess enters (All of 7 years - you frown thinking child labor and I say aha!! read on for gorier crimes!)
MS/CG: Aaakash wake up!
Aakash, Akash (accompanied by pushes and shoves) - the most glorious one please wake up! Today is Sunday; you have to go for Swimming, Skating, Walking, Painting, Drawing, Piano, Football (in no particular order) lessons!!
Hey @$%@^%# wake up you filthy rascal - I have to get you ready in 2 minutes!!
That works.
Aaakash (the most glorious one) replies: Brrr, hmmm where is mom and dad?
MS/CG: They are drunk; I mean they were drunk last night so are hung over
Aaakash (the most glorious): Brrr, hrr, hmmm.. ?
MS/CG: (louder this time) they are sleeping
Aaakash slowly extracts himself from the bed and deposits himself on the chair next to it.
MS/CG performs her morning magic and within two minutes Aaakash is brushed, cleaned and adorned in his skating lesson gear complete with the rollers on his tiny feet.
MS/CG pretty much carries him out of his room and into the drawing room where the party runs into some very loud sounds emanating out of the nearby room. Text is as below (lack of clarity attributed to after effects of alcohol and not the distance from the source)
ACT 2
The division of labor
Alcoholic Source 1 (Feminine): Sid, Wake up
Alcoholic Source 2 (Masculine): Brr. hrr gluglg
Alcoholic Source 1 (Feminine): Siddd (not numeroligically driven this time), Wake up!!
Alcoholic Source 2 (Masculine): Silence
Alcoholic Source 1: Sid, you @#@^%$ wake up!
Alcoholic Source 2: Why Roma?
Alcoholic Source 1: Roma, who the **** is Roma?
Alcoholic Source 2 (sensing danger): Who Roma? I asked why you are shouting, Uma?
Alcoholic Source 1: Whatever, get up and get dressed, you need to take Aaakash to the skating lessons
Alcoholic Source 2: Skating lessons, the imp doesn't even know how to walk, why do I have to take him? (Mumbles on - walks like a bird, like your dad and brother - "Wadhwas - the waddlers") Ha Ha!!(Louder)
Alcoholic Source 1: What is so funny? gets drunk on a whiff of vodka and keeps giggling for two days, hurry up now - Aaakash has not managed to move two inches on his own on the rollers and is the laughing stock of the entire apartment.
Alcoholic Source 1 (continues): You are the cricket champ - athletic macho right? Go get him trained
That touches a rich vein and gets the AS 2, semi energized
Alcoholic Source 2 (getting up): Yeah, I guess the kid did not get my athletic genes
Alcoholic Source 1 (mumbles): I am not surprised
Alcoholic Source 2: What?
Alcoholic Source 1: Nothing, you are getting late. MS/CG get the son of a gun, I mean get Aaakash!
ACT 3
Prep and Pep
Alco source 2 gets him self a 'pick-me-up" drink from the bar and wears his short knickers and short tees and ambles on to the drawing room.
Alcoholic Source 1 shouts from the bedroom: Sid don't wear your short knickers, it is cold and Aarti is not bringing Aarush for skating today
Alcoholic Source 2 (mumbles): Damn!! Never mind, there sure will be some other *****!!
AS2 now becomes Athletic Macho Coach Dad (AMCD)
AMCD and Aaakash stumble on to the lift and AMCD begins his coaching
AMCD: Aaakash son, don't worry about you being not good at skating
Aaakash: No, not worried, I hate it
AMCD: Good, not worried is good, that is the catch in sports, you win your mind first and then your body. If you in mind your think you have won, then it is easy to go out and win. Remember “Mind over matter” and “Where there is a will, there is a way”.
AMCD: Let us pump up some energy, do as I do. AMCD jumps three times in the air, hits his chest hard and shouts Hakka, Hakka, Hakka!!
Lift shakes up vigorously due to a jumping gorilla and comes to a halt on the ground floor.
Lift door opens.
AMCD (panting heavily): Repeat what I did before getting out of the lift.
Aaakash jumps and bangs and shouts (with the rollers on) with people watching at the lift door, waiting to get in
ACT 4
The skating rink
The couple stumbles further on to the apartment common area - converted skating rink filled with tiny kids and short knickers wearing dads and one over zealous skating coach. There is pandemonium and all around and the heroes head straight to the center of it all, towards the jumping jack that is the coach.
AMCD: This ain't happening!
Coach: What?
AMCD: Aaakash my son is not learning fast enough
Coach: What the ****? Can't hear you, this is not your son?
AMCD(shouts) Aaakash my son is not learning fast enough
Coach: So?
AMCD: I need a refund, you have charged me 1000 Rs per session - I need all my 10K back
Coach: I don't know you, I have been dealing with Mrs. Gupta so far and as such I don't do any refunds
AMCD: Blast you? Why don't you teach him to skate then?
Coach: He has a breathing problem
AMCD: What? what the **** are you talking about?
Coach: Watch your tongue, don’t ***** about here, there are kids listening
AMCD: What do you mean breathing problem
Coach: His breath is not harmonious that is why he loses balance on the roller
Coach: Does anyone in the family have walking problems? I mean does anyone walk like pigeons?
AMCD: Yeah!
Coach : See I told ya, it is the same problem, breathing problem leads to walking problem, skating problem and so on .,
AMCD: So what now?
Coach: You need to teach him to breathe properly
AMCD: How?
Coach: You need a breath stop watch (which I can get you for a discount) and using that teach him to breathe at regular intervals and not randomly. Here take this (gives the breath stop watch) for today and try it out, whenever the stopper goes red, you need to ask the kid to breathe , do that for 10 minutes and tell me how he is doing
AMCD: Why don’t you do it?
Coach: Additional services, special kids are charged a separate tariff, read my contract for details
AMCD: You have a **** contract
Coach: Survival of the fittest
ACT 5
Breathe, Stop, Watch!!
AMCD: Aakash you heard what the coach said, every time I shout breathe you need to breathe and not breathe any other time, clear?
Aaakash (meekly): Yes
AMCD: Let us start
AMCD: Breathe In!!
(3 seconds later)
AMCD: Breathe Out!!
(1 second later)
AMCD: Breathe In!!
(3 seconds later)
AMCD: Breathe Out!!
(1 second later)
AMCD: Breathe In!!
(3 seconds later)
AMCD: Breathe Out!!
(1 second later)
A strong perfume wafts in the air and ACMD shifts his gaze to the very attractive Aarti flowing past him in a very short skirt and even shorter top. He forgets about the mission critical activity he is engaged in and fixes his eyes on the feast that has unraveled itself in front of him.
Thud!! Somebody falls on the ground!!
ACT 6
Money making machines
Doctor: Your kid is suffering from a condition
AMCD: Condition?
Doctor: Yes that is the medical term for a situation
AMCD: Situation?
Doctor: Yes the kid was awaiting an instruction to breathe, which was not received / delayed leading to this condition, I mean situation.
AMCD: What now?
Doctor: Oh! nothing to worry, we will nebulize, disassemble, assemble, wash, service him, change his engine oil, brake fluid and put him through the numerous expensive machines we have, and charge a lot money for all that would have required two slaps and then let him go.
AMCD: Ok, whatever - just let him stay overnight so I can charge the insurance company? What about the two slaps?
Doctor: They are not needed now; one should have been on the kids back to get him to breathe normally after the fall and the other on your face, a long time ago, to get you to think.
Disclaimer : Any resemblance to anyone is purely coincidental
-- Sunday morning on a cold winter day
ACT 1
The wake up drill
Aaakash (first 2 'A's for conquering the world numerologically and third as triple insurance to be first in the attendance roster) is sleeping blissfully on his double bed with his nappies on (the quilt is imported and cannot be risked for the one in a million statistical risk of him peeing in his sleep)
Maid servant/ child governess enters (All of 7 years - you frown thinking child labor and I say aha!! read on for gorier crimes!)
MS/CG: Aaakash wake up!
Aakash, Akash (accompanied by pushes and shoves) - the most glorious one please wake up! Today is Sunday; you have to go for Swimming, Skating, Walking, Painting, Drawing, Piano, Football (in no particular order) lessons!!
Hey @$%@^%# wake up you filthy rascal - I have to get you ready in 2 minutes!!
That works.
Aaakash (the most glorious one) replies: Brrr, hmmm where is mom and dad?
MS/CG: They are drunk; I mean they were drunk last night so are hung over
Aaakash (the most glorious): Brrr, hrr, hmmm.. ?
MS/CG: (louder this time) they are sleeping
Aaakash slowly extracts himself from the bed and deposits himself on the chair next to it.
MS/CG performs her morning magic and within two minutes Aaakash is brushed, cleaned and adorned in his skating lesson gear complete with the rollers on his tiny feet.
MS/CG pretty much carries him out of his room and into the drawing room where the party runs into some very loud sounds emanating out of the nearby room. Text is as below (lack of clarity attributed to after effects of alcohol and not the distance from the source)
ACT 2
The division of labor
Alcoholic Source 1 (Feminine): Sid, Wake up
Alcoholic Source 2 (Masculine): Brr. hrr gluglg
Alcoholic Source 1 (Feminine): Siddd (not numeroligically driven this time), Wake up!!
Alcoholic Source 2 (Masculine): Silence
Alcoholic Source 1: Sid, you @#@^%$ wake up!
Alcoholic Source 2: Why Roma?
Alcoholic Source 1: Roma, who the **** is Roma?
Alcoholic Source 2 (sensing danger): Who Roma? I asked why you are shouting, Uma?
Alcoholic Source 1: Whatever, get up and get dressed, you need to take Aaakash to the skating lessons
Alcoholic Source 2: Skating lessons, the imp doesn't even know how to walk, why do I have to take him? (Mumbles on - walks like a bird, like your dad and brother - "Wadhwas - the waddlers") Ha Ha!!(Louder)
Alcoholic Source 1: What is so funny? gets drunk on a whiff of vodka and keeps giggling for two days, hurry up now - Aaakash has not managed to move two inches on his own on the rollers and is the laughing stock of the entire apartment.
Alcoholic Source 1 (continues): You are the cricket champ - athletic macho right? Go get him trained
That touches a rich vein and gets the AS 2, semi energized
Alcoholic Source 2 (getting up): Yeah, I guess the kid did not get my athletic genes
Alcoholic Source 1 (mumbles): I am not surprised
Alcoholic Source 2: What?
Alcoholic Source 1: Nothing, you are getting late. MS/CG get the son of a gun, I mean get Aaakash!
ACT 3
Prep and Pep
Alco source 2 gets him self a 'pick-me-up" drink from the bar and wears his short knickers and short tees and ambles on to the drawing room.
Alcoholic Source 1 shouts from the bedroom: Sid don't wear your short knickers, it is cold and Aarti is not bringing Aarush for skating today
Alcoholic Source 2 (mumbles): Damn!! Never mind, there sure will be some other *****!!
AS2 now becomes Athletic Macho Coach Dad (AMCD)
AMCD and Aaakash stumble on to the lift and AMCD begins his coaching
AMCD: Aaakash son, don't worry about you being not good at skating
Aaakash: No, not worried, I hate it
AMCD: Good, not worried is good, that is the catch in sports, you win your mind first and then your body. If you in mind your think you have won, then it is easy to go out and win. Remember “Mind over matter” and “Where there is a will, there is a way”.
AMCD: Let us pump up some energy, do as I do. AMCD jumps three times in the air, hits his chest hard and shouts Hakka, Hakka, Hakka!!
Lift shakes up vigorously due to a jumping gorilla and comes to a halt on the ground floor.
Lift door opens.
AMCD (panting heavily): Repeat what I did before getting out of the lift.
Aaakash jumps and bangs and shouts (with the rollers on) with people watching at the lift door, waiting to get in
ACT 4
The skating rink
The couple stumbles further on to the apartment common area - converted skating rink filled with tiny kids and short knickers wearing dads and one over zealous skating coach. There is pandemonium and all around and the heroes head straight to the center of it all, towards the jumping jack that is the coach.
AMCD: This ain't happening!
Coach: What?
AMCD: Aaakash my son is not learning fast enough
Coach: What the ****? Can't hear you, this is not your son?
AMCD(shouts) Aaakash my son is not learning fast enough
Coach: So?
AMCD: I need a refund, you have charged me 1000 Rs per session - I need all my 10K back
Coach: I don't know you, I have been dealing with Mrs. Gupta so far and as such I don't do any refunds
AMCD: Blast you? Why don't you teach him to skate then?
Coach: He has a breathing problem
AMCD: What? what the **** are you talking about?
Coach: Watch your tongue, don’t ***** about here, there are kids listening
AMCD: What do you mean breathing problem
Coach: His breath is not harmonious that is why he loses balance on the roller
Coach: Does anyone in the family have walking problems? I mean does anyone walk like pigeons?
AMCD: Yeah!
Coach : See I told ya, it is the same problem, breathing problem leads to walking problem, skating problem and so on .,
AMCD: So what now?
Coach: You need to teach him to breathe properly
AMCD: How?
Coach: You need a breath stop watch (which I can get you for a discount) and using that teach him to breathe at regular intervals and not randomly. Here take this (gives the breath stop watch) for today and try it out, whenever the stopper goes red, you need to ask the kid to breathe , do that for 10 minutes and tell me how he is doing
AMCD: Why don’t you do it?
Coach: Additional services, special kids are charged a separate tariff, read my contract for details
AMCD: You have a **** contract
Coach: Survival of the fittest
ACT 5
Breathe, Stop, Watch!!
AMCD: Aakash you heard what the coach said, every time I shout breathe you need to breathe and not breathe any other time, clear?
Aaakash (meekly): Yes
AMCD: Let us start
AMCD: Breathe In!!
(3 seconds later)
AMCD: Breathe Out!!
(1 second later)
AMCD: Breathe In!!
(3 seconds later)
AMCD: Breathe Out!!
(1 second later)
AMCD: Breathe In!!
(3 seconds later)
AMCD: Breathe Out!!
(1 second later)
A strong perfume wafts in the air and ACMD shifts his gaze to the very attractive Aarti flowing past him in a very short skirt and even shorter top. He forgets about the mission critical activity he is engaged in and fixes his eyes on the feast that has unraveled itself in front of him.
Thud!! Somebody falls on the ground!!
ACT 6
Money making machines
Doctor: Your kid is suffering from a condition
AMCD: Condition?
Doctor: Yes that is the medical term for a situation
AMCD: Situation?
Doctor: Yes the kid was awaiting an instruction to breathe, which was not received / delayed leading to this condition, I mean situation.
AMCD: What now?
Doctor: Oh! nothing to worry, we will nebulize, disassemble, assemble, wash, service him, change his engine oil, brake fluid and put him through the numerous expensive machines we have, and charge a lot money for all that would have required two slaps and then let him go.
AMCD: Ok, whatever - just let him stay overnight so I can charge the insurance company? What about the two slaps?
Doctor: They are not needed now; one should have been on the kids back to get him to breathe normally after the fall and the other on your face, a long time ago, to get you to think.
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